 |
| Miller, J. "We Can Edit."3/8/2012 via WikiMedia Commons. Public Domain. |
An excerpt from my QRG, recently titled "An Ill-Prepared Nurse's Struggle Against THR: Nina Pham's Story":
What led to Nina suing THR?
Nina Pham officially sued Texas Health Resources on March 2nd, 2015 for the following claims:
Nina’s first claim against THR is the lack of training and protection she received when treating Duncan.
She hopes that exposing the hospital for putting her in that position that “...it will help uncover the truth of what happened, and educate all health care providers and administrators about ways to be better prepared for the next public health emergency, " Nina Pham, ABC News.
Nina’s second claim is that THR invaded her privacy so that she could be used as a “PR pawn.”
She claims that she asked Texas Health Presbyterian to release her name as Jane Doe, yet her real name ended up being released to the media.
She also claims that a video that was taken of her in her hospital room was taken without her knowledge. Texas Health ended up releasing this video to the press, as well.
THR neglected Nina’s health and safety, and now she is paying for it. Nina faces a plethora of health issues, as well as emotional trauma. More sentimental sources also claim Nina expressing that her boyfriend left her, and her social life has suffered.
After a little revision, this is the "after" excerpt:
What led to Nina suing THR?
Nina Pham sued Texas Health Resources on March 2nd, 2015 for the following claims:
Nina’s first claim against THR is the lack of training and protection when treating Duncan.
She hopes that exposing the hospital “...will help uncover the truth of what happened, and educate all health care providers and administrators about ways to be better prepared for the next public health emergency, " Nina Pham, ABC News.
Nina’s second claim is that THR invaded her privacy so she could be used as a “PR pawn.”
She claims she asked Texas Health Presbyterian to release her name as Jane Doe, yet THR didn't comply.
She also claims that a video of her in her hospital room was taken without her knowledge. Texas Health ended up releasing this video to the press, as well.
THR neglected Nina’s health and safety, and now she is paying for it. Nina faces many health issues, including emotional trauma. More sentimental sources claim Nina expressed that her boyfriend left her, and her social life has suffered.
I think that the revised version isn't that different from the original. I don't think I used very amy unnecessary or flowery words to begin with, so there wasn't much to cut without losing the point of the whole sentence. Despite the small difference, I do think the revised version is better because the sentences I cut flow better and read more quickly. Although the revisions may be small, I do think it's worth it to go through and apply this method to the whole QRG.
No comments:
Post a Comment